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My Old Journal

 

i decided to post up my journal from the past year on here…

it’s not like a day by day vent session.. just a collection of random thoughts and quotes/poems i’ve either found or wrote myself…. usually when i was super depressed and fucked up on all kinds of drugs…..

i’m considering burning it….

 

January 1st 2009

often I find myself wanting to be alone, but my greatest fear is that I will be.

*

I realize that once certain people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed. And that is something nobody ever tells you when you are young. And it never fails to surprise you as you grow older, as you see the people in your life break one by one…

*

never let the hand you hold, hold you down.

*

the more you think about it, the more power you give it. Remember what happened, but know that you cannot move forward while looking backwards.

*

If I said I want you back I’d be a liar. There’s nothing left of us to long for anymore. But inside the ashes burns an endless fire.

*

TRUTH is still absolute. Believe that. Even when that truth is hard and cold, and more painful that you’ve ever imagined. And even when truth is more cruel than any life.

  

 

January 29th 2009 (definitely wrong date?)

While you were sleeping I figured out everything. I was constructed for you, and you were molded for me. Now I feel your name, coursing through my veins. You shine so bright, it’s insane. You put the sun to shame.

*

See The Beauty In Everything!

 

 

January 26th 2009

I am one person split into halves. One side is an optimist, the other not so much. I’m either going to end up dead or all alone.

*

Do you feel like a man when you push her around?

*

Pain pierces my body. You laugh. You were ‘just kidding’. Tear my heart out with your words. Crush my hopes, my self esteem. But you’re ‘just kidding’, so I can’t be upset, right?

 

 

January 27th 2009

my dear, we’re slow dancing in a burning room.

*

trying not to think too hard, I won’t wait for you. Times just getting overrated and this room is getting colder and I know it’s only when you’ve lost everything, you are free to do anything.

*

don’t tell me your troubles, I’ve got enough of my own. Be thankful for living, drink up and go home.

*

cause every broken heart deserves an epic ending, tell me is this love or are we just pretending?

*

Although we fit together… we just don’t belong.

*

As the winter fades I’ll slowly become what you hate. You’ll say that I’m pretending, chances are this road will lead us different ways.

*

Maybe I’m confused, don’t know what to do. Maybe I’m just blind, looking into your eyes.

*

You drive me crazy. Go ahead and try, but you just can’t change me. They say love, it lasts forever. You were my sun in this rainy weather and now it’s raining….

 

 

January 29th 2009

When I met you I was just a kid, hadn’t built up my defenses. So I gave my heart completely, vaseline over the lenses. Memories don’t go away, I remember every day. I never ever stop wondering, wondering if you still think of us.

 

 

February 10th 2009

isn’t it sad how one moment you’re the happiest you’ve ever been… and the next wondering why you even bother with life at all?

*

I must be repulsive…

*

Vodka and orange juice. Get in the car. Go to the bar. More drinks, down the hatch. Dancing with strangers. Loving the beat, but can’t remember the song. New club, new scene. I find you there. Beautiful you. “Soul mates,” I think. “Soul mates,” you say. Kissing. Passion. Heat. Music. Bodies. “Let’s go,” you smile. I follow you, to an unfamiliar place, with unfamiliar people. Lost in the moment. Falling fast. Passion. Sex. Love. “I’ll be right back,” you tell me. I sigh in acknowledgement. One hour. Two hours. Where am I? Where are you? What did I do?

*

Another late night movie and another pint of ice cream. All of the words I spoke seem to run away from me, and every time I try to get even a tiny bit closer to living, my dreams kill me down, they kill me down.

*

all my emotions turned to hate. hate for this place, hate for these people, hate for you. And I can’t take it. I hate it. I need to run away.

*

Broken. Ugly. Alone. Exhausted.

 

 

February 12th 2009

currently reading…. Broken Open- Elizabeth Lesser ❤

*

Remaining tight in a bud had become a kind of death. The time had come to blossom.

*

When you do something from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy…. -Rumi

*

No problem can be solved from the same consciousness that created it. – Albert Einstein

*

In the middle of the journey of our life I found myself within a dark woods where the straight way was lost. – Dante Alighieri

*

tale as old as time, tune as old as song, bittersweet & strange, finding you can change, learning you were wrong.

 

 

February 19th 2009

somebody help me. God damn It!

I can’t take this anymore. Familiar screams. Familiar cries. Familiar insults. The waterfalls of my soul, spilt for all to see. They say things will get better. It’s been two years and I feel exactly the same. How much time am I supposed to allow? I can feel the pull of the familiar desire to swallow the pills one by one while sobs of despair overcome me. How am I screaming so loud, yet no one will listen? I don’t repeat my sorrows for the fear I will forget them. I am asking you for some mercy. I am begging for release. All I want is sympathy. But all I get is tough love. Suicide seems so small a deed. I am losing myself. I am losing everything. How did this happen to me? If this doesn’t change I am going to do it. I hate the thought but I will. I know that life is hard but If everyone else has one like mine I don’t know how we function as a society. I must write my book. I need to tell my story. Since no one I know wants to listen. They say the life of a writer is a lonely one, I’ve already got that part down.

Fuck You.

 

 

February 24th 2009

Barack Obama… Anti-christ?

 

 

February 27th 2009

Mother, Mother. Why so blue? Don’t I mean anything to you? You’re not thinking of anyone but yourself. You build me up. You break my trust. If I can’t trust my own maker, what hope is there for anyone else? No one sees the side of you, the retched side, the demon side. I’m so beyond hurt, I just feel numb. You tell me you will take your life, you feel that’s the price I must pay. But mother, mother, you’re fucking stoned if you think I would shed a tear for a coward’s soul. The thing is, I love you more than anything, but you can’t make me feel sorry for someone that crushes their childrens hopes and dreams, all because they are unhappy that theirs didn’t come true.

*

small. empty. alone. frightened. depressed. hopeless. apathetic. exhausted….

*

PLEASE MOMMY DON’T DO THIS!

 

 

April 8th 2009

I am empty. I am lonely. I can be surrounded by volumes and volumes of people, just to find that I fit nowhere within their assemblies. I want something to look forward to, someone to look forward to. Instead of distracting myself with games in my mind.

*

and you could be happy if only you would try. but you don’t try, you don’t try.

*

we’ll live in the sadness, and i’ll love you with all the madness in my soul.

*

my words kill the confident. tear them down at every turn. i’m good at making people bleed, even better at making them burn.

 

 

April 9th 2009

are you aware of what you make me feel baby? right now I feel invisible to you, like I’m not real.

*

lovers turn into monsters at the loss of all affection, almost like it was the affection that kept them from being monsters. and I could have used some warning. I was on that porch all morning, smoking cigarettes and sinking deeper into doubt.

*

I was left to cry there, waiting outside there, grinning with the lost stare. that’s when I decided, why should I care? ’cause you weren’t there when I was scared, I was so alone.

 

 

April 13th 2009

Dear Vinny,

Hi. Where to start? You completely broke my heart. I was honestly falling so much in love with you. I thought you were beautiful and I was fascinated by you… I have been ever since the sixth grade. I had it played out that we would be one of those love story couples. Met young, separated for awhile, then got together and lived happily ever after. Ha… that’s what I get for making assumptions I guess. Everything I believed you to be was a lie. You told me you loved me, wanted desperately to get me pregnant and swore you’d propose someday. I could very well be carrying your child as I write this, only time will tell. But the fact of the matter is you are still a child yourself, nothing close to a man that’s for sure. You betrayed me in one of the worst ways. You will never be forgiven. I miss you terribly to the point of feeling sick, but I don’t think I would go back to you ever. You have a drug addiction, which you will not seek help for unless we have a baby on the way. How ignorant are you? You verbally abused and threatened me. It was rumored numerous times that you were sneaking around, and now you made out with my best friend in my hot tub minutes after I went upstairs. How fucking cruel do you have to be? There’s a fine line between love and hate… and I hate you.

 

Dear Cassie,

All I can think to say to you right now is that you disgust me. This is not the first time you have betrayed me this way. You may not remember but I always will. I honestly keep thinking it through over and over, I just don’t know how you live with yourself? All my friends and family told me to stay away from you because of all the shit you’ve done to me in the past. I didn’t listen. I had your fucking back, I stood up for you, I trusted that you wouldn’t screw me over again… I sure did get proved wrong, huh? Like honestly, I don’t care what kinda self-esteem/mental issues you have, the shit you did to me is just downright ridiculous. I brought you into my home, we were drinking, reminiscing, having a good time. Yes, me and Vinny were having problems. But I told you I loved him and that I might be having his child. How the fuck could you stick your tongue down his throat as soon as I walk inside? Don’t pretend you were drunk that’s bull shit. You are one of the most full of shit, retarded girls I know Cassie. Grow a fucking back bone and go without sex for awhile. No one you screw actually wants you or cares about you anyways, I know you aren’t so stupid you haven’t figured that out by now. Vinny spelled it fucking out for you and even though I agreed with him I stook up for you because that’s what true friends do. And you turn around and make out with him, MY boyfriend. You are a selfish, heartless bitch and you deserve every bad thing that happens to you.  The funny thing is how much you were sucking up to me after I beat the fuck outta Vinny, then you stole my shit and ran away. How fucking cowardly… If I wouldn’t have been so pissed off then I probably would have put two and two together and realized about you and Vin myself, but after you two drove away together and Cameron told me exactly what happened it’s a good thing you did leave because I would have fucking killed you. So I’m glad it worked out the way it did because I’d hate to see anyone feel sorry for someone so pathetic and inhumane as you. Don’t make yourself feel better by saying it’s because you are lonely… Vinny clearly didn’t want anything from you but a sexual favor. You had to have known that or you’re honestly fucking brain dead. Get a damn hobby besides fucking everything in sight. My grandma even heard you get around.. and it’s my fucking grandma… seriously, this is my last and final strike with you. You are fake and not worth any of my time. I just figured I’d write you a long ass message because this is the last time I will be speaking to you again, unless you dare to cross me. Which you won’t because you are all fucking talk… You think you’re so hard but you couldn’t even bloody up Courtney Weber? Anyways, you’re dead to me. Have fun by your damn self since no one can stand you unless you’re with me… Take a douche and keep your damn legs closed nasty ass…. Good Fucking Bye.

 

 

April 13th 2009

you keep calling but I no longer answer the phone. the times I had picked up, the awkward silences almost killed me. let’s not pretend that you are still in love with me, just leave me be…

*

i thought i wanted to make this right, but i realized that it isn’t worth it. just going to keep moving on until you approach me. every day gets a little easier, every moment is another chance for something new.

*

promises don’t mean anything anymore and no one can be faithful anymore. you can’t. I can’t. there is no way of escaping the fact that every failed relationship is just another piece of me taken away.

 

 

April 15th 2009

Reasons Why I Hate Him =)

*irresponsible * lazy in bed * drug addict * chain smoker * demanding * controlling * disrespectful * full of shit * can’t give me an orgasm * had sex with nasty girls * had sex with janee snow * high school drop out with no GED * no future * full of self pity * jealous & accusing * thinks he’s a bad ass * left me when I thought I was pregnant *  doesn’t take no for an answer * threatens to kill & hurt me when mad * never apologizes or takes blame * dramatic * bipolar & psychotic * too skinny * no muscle * bad teeth * doesn’t shave his junk * bug eyes * bacne * hairy ass * receding hair line * bad breath * compulsive liar * texts ex-girlfriends * two-faced * dirty * no standards * broke * bad driver * grouchy * lame * showed naked pics of me to his friends * he makes me sick! *

 

 

April 16th 2009

torn between love and hate. don’t know which road to take. the past it haunts, but the future calls. beckoning me forward into the unknown. but my experiences are breaking down my courage. i jumped and realized once again that i wasn’t able to fly. now i must repair my mangled body once again. only this time i fear there will be some permanent damage. i feel as though my insides are turning to stone. i cannot cry. it’s hard to breathe. i loved who you were when it was just you and me. no drugs, no alcohol, no drama, no people. just us…. our souls telling their feelings through the movement of our bodies.  but these feelings of love have been replaced by hurt, loneliness and anger. i must carry on, i must be strong. i won’t give in… i can’t afford another heartbreak….

who cares?

 

 

April 18th 2009

my nerves have been shaving twenty-four seven and i’ve stopped trying to calm them. nothing, and i mean nothing, seems right anymore. each day gets more dreadful and each day i wish i wasn’t here just a little more than the day before. i’ve been back in a corner for days and no one will pull me out. being alone really does feel as awful as it sounds. between the arguments and the tears, I can’t hear my own thoughts anymore. I have no clue of what i want, what i need, what i should have. i miss being able to count on you.

 

 

April 30th 2009

Reasons Why I Love Him =)

* Eyes * Voice * Hands * Lips * Ace * We fit together * That he knows all about trucks, motocross and sexy boy things * down for whatever * country boy..my favorite! * chill personality * he turns me on all the time * the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles * his bad ass, sexy attitude *

i just love you baby, always & forever.

 

 

May 9th 2009

and you may be just what i have always been seaching for.

*

i don’t mind as much this time around. If we are losing eachother then maybe we were never found in the first place. i am a hard person to love. I know. I know. I know

*

You claim it’s “tiring”. of course it is. i guess it really is exhausting, giving your all to someone so they can stick their knife right through the heart. at least you were considerate enough not to go for the back, like everyone else. what’s “tiring” is waiting up for you, and you never giving me your all.

*

I still feel you in the taste of cigarettes.

*

i’m feeling sick to my stomach and i’m disgusting with myself.  my head weighs twelve thousand pounds and your burden added fifteen to my back. i am through showing compassion to you.. how could anyone have the nerve, the audacity, which you have? You, March through May. I was exposed, raw, and beaten down. You trampled over me and i’ve got the scuff marks from your shoes across my chest to prove it. How dare you call attempting to fix this? i’m far too cordial with you. and i should really throw you back to the woods. go back to your brown walls, breathe deep from your bong, and disappear. fuck off, not me. and in all honesty i’ve lied… yes, you do suck. yes, i did fake it. and yes, i’m glad you’re going downhill. =)

*

well simply because, the fact of the matter is, I’m feeling marvelous. I couldn’t give a damn anymore. Your insensitivity taught me one hell of a lesson.At this juncture, I’ve got the best of the best. He is the best one of the best ones. Particles of dirt amount up to more than you do, especially now. I’ve got the gun and i’m biting down on the bullets. Yours cannot penetrate me anymore. They can’t come close. Not this time, not ever.

*

 

 

Heroin…..My Escape……….

 

 

May 18th 2009

Young naive girl. Alone in this cold cold world. No direction. No motivation. Just her intuition, and a dream to be content with herself, and her choices, and her past, and her future. Wish her luck.

*

What’s Love? it’s about us, it’s about trust babe.

 

 

 

May 19th 2009

no matter how bad things get you have got to go on living, even if it kills you.

*

i can do this on my own.

*

i see where you’re coming from… we’ve been on the same boat since day one. i see how you like to run, back to the things that got you here.

*

when you’re forced to stand alone, you realize what you have in you.

i don’t want love to destroy me like it did my family.

*

i guess i just have to accept that you aren’t the person that i once knew… and that we aren’t the best friends that we once were.

*

it’s hard to be calm when everything is so tense. i wonder if i am better off alone. my true self is clawing from the inside out. i’m bending until i break.

*

the lonely never sleep peacefully.

 

 

 

May 24th 2009

you can’t break a girl who won’t let you.

*

we enjoy the warmth because we have been cold. we appreciate light because we have been inside darkness. by the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sorrow.

*

oh how I wish I meant a little more than the symphany of heavy breathing and the friction of hips.

*

you were never a waste of time, you were just a harsh realization that I could do better.

 

 

June 9th 2009

Tattoo Ideas!

we acquire the strength we have overcome. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

smooth seas do not make skillful sailors. – African Proverb

the soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. – John Vance Cheney

thorns and stings and those such things just make stronger our angel wings. – Emme Woodhill-Bache

God gave burdens, also shoulders. – Yiddish Proverb

if you cannot be a poet, be the poem. – David Carradine

if God had wanted me otherwise, he would have created me otherwise. – Joham Von Goethe

God made the country, and man made the town. – William Cowper, The Task

a son is a son ’til he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life. – Irish Saying

how people treat you is their karma, how you react is yours. – Wayne Dyer

self-destruction is the effect of cowardice in the highest extreme. – Daniel Defoe

love all, trust a few, do wrong to none. – William Shakespear

do what you can with what you have, where you are. – Theodore Roosevelt

 

 

July 5th 2009

and baby if we go down… we go down together.

*

i’m caught between the actual you… and the you I wish you were.

*

just explain to me why you did it. don’t tell me you didn’t mean to… because you did. and at that time, it was exactly what you wanted.

*

DON’T LOVE ME IF YOU’RE NOT WILLING TO RISK IT ALL.

*

and it’s amazing just how much we’ve been through – but baby, is it worth it?

*

i have all these things to tell you… all these jumbles of words that together, make no sense. which fits together perfectly, because when we’re together, nothing makes sense at all…

*

lately you make me feel like all I am is a back-up plan and I say I’m done then you smile at me and I forget what I said.

 

 

July 16th 2009

the hurt I feel is too complex to explain.

*

so many things have gone wrong I’m not sure what I’m living for anymore.

*

suicidal? maybe. depressed? definitely.

*

DRUGS ARE THE ONE THING I CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON.

*

sad but true.

*

I AM SLOWLY SELF-DESTRUCTING AND IT DOESN’T SCARE ME ONE BIT.

*

i just don’t want to feel this pain anymore.

 

 

July 23rd 2009

It’s kind of sad that I have learned to deal with things like this….

 

 

July 27th 2009

no use in pretending… my heart refuses to be touched by any but yours. i will love you ’til the end… even tho the pain may ease and the memories will fade… a place in my heart will forever belong to you.

*

i wish you..& i wish me well.

*

always love you. never trust you. amazed by you. disappointed by you. but I do believe in you…

*

7 13 24 32 48

 

 

August 19th, 2009

so sick of the bull shit. tired of wasting time. if i’m not what he desires, if i don’t give him butterflies, if i don’t motivate him to be a better person, if he doesn’t think i’m beautiful, if he doesn’t miss me when i’m gone, if i don’t fascinate him. WHY IS HE SO WONDERFUL IN MY EYES? i’m always the lover, never the loved. my heart is ticking like a time bomb. every disappointment, every false hope, brings me farther into dispair and closer to the edge. I know i’m not perfect… but i’d like to believe I have something special to offer. I KNOW I AM YOUNG. but my heart is growing colder, and my trust is getting weaker. “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return.” I have many layers of personality… I pretend that I’m content with being alone… I say I don’t need anyone or anything but myself. BUT THAT IS MY BIGGEST LIE YET. i’m so lonely it stings. I want to understand and love someone that actually feels the same about me. I give… but do not receive. all I get are a endless series of mind games, false promises and hook ups. I am so exhausted. I just want to fall asleep and wake up when something real comes my way… but something is telling me I am too badly damaged emotionally for a healthy relationship anytime soon. I’m a hopeless romantic to the extreme. God send me something I can depend on… PLEASE!

(how pathetic)

 

 

August 27th 2009

all i have to say is goodbye… we’re better off this way.

*

we accept the love we think we deserve.

*

i was born the night you kissed me.. & i died inside when you left me.

*

Dear Vinny,

I heard you’re back home. I heard you are doing well. I wish I could say the same for myself. I tell myself I’m happy for you but deep down I know that is a lie. You destroyed me. You crushed me. You turned me into someone I don’t recognize… or maybe you just uncovered a part of me I was hiding. Either way, I am changed. I still love you, I will always love you. The sad part is you don’t love me, and you never did. You lied and told me exactly what I wanted to hear to use me in any way you desired. Cruel.

 

 

September 4th 2009

it’s strange, I’ve lost the one person I’ve ever truly been in love with. But i’ve gained something much better – self respect.

*

we were never meant to be. i don’t think we happened so we could live happily ever after, we happened so that we could teach each other what life is, and how to live it, and how to cope when something so important you would die for it leaves your life forever.

*

it’s actions, not words, that matter.

*

it hurts to say goodbye to a person that you almost gave your life too, knowing that life without them won’t be the same. but it’s better to give up the feeling rather than fight, knowing that you’re the only one fighting.

*

I HOPE YOU CAN’T SLEEP AND YOU DREAM ABOUT IT. & WHEN YOU DREAM, I HOPE YOU CAN’T SLEEP & YOU SCREAM ABOUT IT. I HOPE YOUR CONSCIENCE EATS AT YOU AND YOU CAN’T BREATHE WITHOUT ME.

*

we may encounter many defeats, but we must not be defeated. – Maya Angelou

*

this above all: to thine own self be true. – William Shakespear

*

love all, trust a few, do wrong to none. – Shakespear

*

i want a tattoo on my wrist, neck, hip, spine, shoulder, rib cage, or foot… can’t decide…

 

 

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One thought on “My Old Journal

  1. I love your site. It’s like reading something I wrote. I’ve never seen anything so closely describe my feelings, or my situation with boys, or just feeling alone. It’s great writing. You should keep it up! Thanks! ❤ Alex

    Like

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