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& she’s so afraid to lose whatever it is they have..

 

i feel like i have so much to say, but i don’t know where to start.

i am just gonna start from today & go backwards..

– woke up at tyler’s. i gave him this rational psychology test and if he was being honest with his answers, the results say i’m the most important person in his life. it’s hard to believe that though, because he never expresses himself or lets me know how he really feels about me at all. i know he has to care at least a little considering we’ve been together pretty much since july, but i don’t know. he’s the most confusing individual i’ve ever met. then caitlin & kristin picked me up, we went to panera bread, then i got a pregnancy test at kroger..negative again.. still no period though & i’m still feeling exhausted and nauseous all the time.. who knows what my frickin deal is..

i also managed to slice my fingernail off shaving today somehow. lovely.

– yesterday.. i pretty much just got drunk. had some people over, then went downtown to fin’s beach bar, the local hangout. everything was fine & dandy until cassie showed up. the story with her is long, so i’ll sum it up.. we were inseparable best friends for nine years.. last spring she made out with my ex boyfriend vinny in my hot tub & then hooked up with him later.. we weren’t fighting or anything, and she only had 4 small glasses of wine so she doesn’t even have that as an excuse.. i busted his eye open, while she stole my bare minerals make up and one of my dresses and left.. it’s just mind blowing too me.. but anyway, when i was really crazy pissed about it last year we had a few encounters in which case i was very close to kicking her face in or worse.. but she has called 911 every time.. eventually i just started to care less and less about the whole situation.. vinny was a heroin addicted loser who stole my money & pretty much ruined my life. (if you’d like to have an idea of what i mean by that then check out my first entry, it’s a copy of my journal from that time.) so yeah, i’m completely over the whole thing for the most part, another lesson learned. so i saw her last night, her boyfriend is a bouncer there, but even though it shook me up a little i remained collected because i didn’t want any trouble. well, i guess trouble wants me. her roid raging boyfriend decided to play macho man & came up to me and got right in my face with his shoulders hunched forward like he was about to throw down. he tried to convince my friend johnny, who is also a bouncer there, to have me thrown out, but i had multiple witness’ to the fact that i did not start anything at all. her boyfriend kept saying things about my cousin, who is a coal miner, being a ‘redneck inbred faggot’ & saying i should ‘go shoot up some heroin’ .. the heroin thing didn’t bother me really, because if he knew me at all he would know i’ve been clean for months so if that’s the best he’s got that’s pretty pathetic.. but the stuff about my cousin and coal mining really set me off.. so it turned into a huge fight between us.. it was a bunch of bullshit.. i don’t know what kind of person can speak to and threaten a girl he doesn’t even know like that.. over drama that happened over a year ago that he wasn’t even around for.. and the best part is throughout the whole thing cassie just kept to herself at the other end of the bar.. ridiculous.. yeah, this is why i hate going out.. i prefer drinking at home.. drama free.. but anyways, after about a half hour more of dealing with shit from the punk bitch, i left fins and caitlin dropped me off at tyler’s. he was in a bad mood and i was still very tense and upset about what had happened so i sat outside until 4 in the morning by myself while tyler slept.

boshit.boshit.boshit.


a few pictures from hours before i lost both my boyfriend and my best friend..
an extremely rude awakening that made me realize how anyone is capable of anything..
and that things aren’t always what they seem..

 
  


caitlin, me & kristin at fin’s.
two girls i love to death & can always count on,
no matter what ❤

cassie & her “man”
they disgust me.

and this, ladies and gentleman, is the reason I’m grateful cassie and vinny fucked me over like they did.. without vinny, i never would have met his cousin ashlee, and i never would have went with her to her boyfriends lake house..who just so happens to be tyler’s brother ❤ he’s what keeps me going..




quotes ❤

“You’re chatting to me like we connect, but I don’t even know if we’re still friends. It’s so confusing. Understanding is making me not want to do all the things that I know I should do. But, I trip fast, and then I lose, and I hate looking like a fool. I just want your kiss boy. I just want your kiss. I just want your kiss boy. I just want your kiss.”

I need you too much
this could be dangerous
but I think you’re worth the risk

Every single person has at least one secret that would break your heart. If we could just remember this, I think there would be a lot more compassion and tolerance in the world.

I’ve been wondering about you and her
did you love her? Do you still love her?
Did you start this relationship with the same intentions as me,
to get over someone?

i never thought i’d hear myself saying this, but thank you. because if you wouldn’t have come along, i never would have learned that my worst day could also have been my best. because when a heart breaks, it also opens; and once a heart opens, any number of things can happen. and some of them can be wonderful.

Just promise me one thing.
You won’t turn out to be like all the rest.

All I’m asking for you is to be sincere and honest with me.
I don’t want you to be nice when you’re only pretending.
I’d rather have you being honest and sincere,
even when it’s not what I hoped you to be.

To love someone doesn’t mean to force a commitment.
Sometimes, you just have to be satisfied with
whatever connection you have, as long as it stays.

I got used to the treadmill of love, where now matter how fast you run,
you’re stuck at the starting point. Only exhausted.

You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere

I don’t have many friends lefts in this area, they all went away.
Whether it was in body or in mind.

All my battles have been won
But the war has just begun

You’re too late, and you weren’t worth the wait, now were you?
It’s out of my hands, since you blew your last chance,
when you played me.

The city looks so pretty, do you wanna burn it with me?

If you want your life to be a magnificent story,
then begin by realizing that you are the author
and every day you have the opportunity to write a new page.

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself, any direction you choose.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations;
you have another chance.

Maybe that’s what it all comes down to.
Love, not as a surge of passion,
but as a choice to commit to something, someone,
no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way.

Life is better lived forwards,
but better understood backwards.

I gotta let you know I feel so weak without your touch
I never thought that I could ever love a man so much
I gotta let you know I think that we are destiny
For you I’d cross the world, for you I’d do anything

Maybe I like you because your a lot like me.
Or well, you’re a lot like me but then in a better way
plus you’re everything I’m not.
You’re just like me, but then a thousand times better.

I come undone, oh yes, I do
Just think of all the thoughts wasted on you
And every word you say, say something sweet
Cause all I taste is blood between my teeth
As I’m finding the words… you’re getting away

You can’t always wait for something beautiful to happen,
sometimes you have to do something beautiful yourself
in order to get something beautiful back.

Baby, what do you say we just get lost
Leave this one horse town like two rebels without a cause
I’ve got people in Boston, Ain’t your Daddy still in Des Moines?
We can pack up tomorrow, tonight let’s flip a coin
Heads Carolina, tails California
Somewhere greener, somewhere warmer
Up in the mountains, down by the ocean
Where, it don’t matter as long as we’re going
Somewhere together, I’ve got a quarter
Heads Carolina, tails California ❤

And I’m wishing that I could take your hand
and set you on some untouched land,
just so you are never sad again
and the world you have known will somehow end.

You can’t control this feeling, it breaks the shelter that you’re in.
You can make it disappear, pretend that it’s not there,
when it’s broken through your skin.

drown yourself in alcohol, smoke the pain away, physically hurt yourself;
everybody slips and falls. choke on every dream you’ve once ever had.
i want you to save me, i need you to save me.please save me.
everyone always gives up on me.

I like simple songs with pretty words.
I tried poetry, but it’s just not good.
The pages get lost, besides I’d much rather sing to you.
I love living life with you by my side.
You’re a smart kid with a beautiful smile.

“I’m not one for complaining, but I love the way you’d roll excuses off the tip of your tongue as I slowly fall apart.”

Every time I try to walk away
there is always something that reminds me
I should stay.

Don’t walk into my life if you’re going to walk out.
Don’t say you love me if it’s not without a doubt.
Don’t say it’s the truth if it’s all lies.
Don’t say hello if you’re going to turn around and say goodbye.

Sometimes I feel like giving up on all my ambitions
because there’s less disappointment for those who wander aimlessly.

For everyone who thinks they know me: I forgive you.

I think we spend too much time wondering why we’re not good enough – we spend too much time over analyzing, over-thinking and overreacting. We waste too much time putting ourselves down, so much that we don’t ever stop to see that we are truly good enough. We spend too much time with our heads down and hearts closed, and never get a chance to look up from the ground and see that the sun is shining and tomorrow is another day.

it’s hard to let someone in when every time you did
your heart was left in a million pieces.

when something bad happens, you have three choices,
you can either let it define you, destroy you,
or you can let it strengthen you. it’s up to you.

Messing up his life isn’t the best revenge.
It’s getting on with yours and living it to the fullest that kills him.

I drink to forget but i always end up calling you

I’m not going to pretend that I know everything or even that I know exactly how I feel. Everything in my mind tells me to run like hell from you, but everything in my body can’t stay away from you. And I’ve learned to trust that. That’s how it is with you, I can’t stay away from you, even though that would probably be the best for me. And I don’t know if that’s love or not, but it seems like it to me.

I’ll be up, up and away cause they’re gonna judge me anyway, so whatever.

They can all get fucked just stay true to you..

I just want them to know that they didn’t break me.

Hate all you want, you can’t break the girl who thinks nothing of you.


I’m a straight forward kinda girl. If you ask me what i’m thinking
I’ll tell you, no sugar coating. Cause that’s not what life’s about.
It’s about dealing with the pain that comes along. So if you are going to
tell me how you feel, don’t lie. If I ask something, I want to
know the truth, not the lie.

“I have always lived violently, drunk hugely, eaten too much or not at all, slept around the clock or missed two nights of sleeping, worked too hard and too long in glory, or slobbed for a time in utter laziness. I’ve lifted, pulled, chopped, climbed, made love with joy and taken my hangovers as a consequence, not as a punishment.”

Stop fucking around and be a man

she’s not like that now. she knows better. she knows now that people lie and promises can be broken as quick as they’re made. she understands that she might never be loved and too quickly good things fly in front of her eyes before she can reach out and grab them. there isn’t a place for everyone in the world, so if you’re standing alone for a while, that’s why. not everything in life comes easy, but when you work the hardest, that’s when it’s the best. she has found out too soon, that in the end you are your own best friend. everyone will be broken at some point or another in his or her life and more often than not, it’s gonna hurt like hell- but as much as you want to, you can’t stop it. you can’t change your fate. some things are meant to be and all the pain you go through will end up resulting in something huge. you don’t know what it is, and when it happens, but it’ll hit you like a ton of bricks. over time, certain things no longer have an effect on you, and that happens because that’s the way it’s supposed to be. but you’ll learn all that later in life, when little things like a sunrise or a spring rain start to matter. but it might catch you off guard and happen sooner than you think, i mean ask her- she knows.

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