Nothing like an old-fashioned ramble when your so frustrated you can’t even finish a single thought without mentally screaming, “SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY! Damn…” Yep, that’s me right now..
I am One hundred percent exhausted
with every single stupid shitty aspect of my life at this moment.
I need a break.
My biggest obstacle lately is my ego. I am a drug addict. I know this logically. I have known for awhile now, I have been off of pain pills and heroin and every other illegal drug for 2 and a half years now. I know that I am a drug addict. I don’t hide that fact from anyone. But I deny the fact that alcohol is a drug. About a year and a half ago, I started drinking a wine cooler or two to unwind before I went to bed at the end of the day. I was a new mom, and for some reason, I had the idea that it was normal for moms that “had it together” to drink a little to relax at the end of the day. I kept the habit up, telling myself alcohol was not going to be a big problem for me. It never was before. In hindsight I realize this is because I was on heroin and many other things daily and therefore didn’t need alcohol to relax. But now, a year and a half later from when I made the decision to begin this “nighttime routine” I am still drinking wine coolers, but now I am drinking at least two six-packs every single night. I normally drink alone, and the sad thing is that I actually prefer solitude when I’m drinking rather than socially like I used to. I am an alcoholic. I am a drug addict. I have always been an alcoholic. But now I am facing the consequences. I am so stuck. And I don’t know where to look for help because everyone thinks I’m doing well, and I like that they think that, it makes me feel like I’m actually worth something. Being sober makes me feel like I have an innate power. It gives me hope to keep going and to believe in myself. But now I’m being forced to face the music, and it’s terrifying. It scares me so badly I literally feel paralyzed when I’m thinking about it. I am afraid to leave my comfort zone again. I like to know that I have something to look forward to at the end of my long days alone in my house with only a 2-year old as a companion.. I seriously count down the hours and the minutes until I feel like it’s okay to start drinking without feeling guilty about it (never earlier than 5 o’clock, but occasionally I will drink one at 4 if it’s been a really hard day). Admitting to this truth sickens me. I feel so much shame. I can feel the wheels of my mind turning right at this moment, looking for excuses or logical reasonings that can work in my current favor, so I can feel a little bit better about the harsh reality of my truth. When my ego licks my wounds it’s so easy to throw in the towel and give up when things get difficult, my pride makes me feel like I have a right to destroy myself and my life.
.. “It’s not my fault I’ve been hurt so badly in my 24 years on this earth, I’m just doing the best that I can with what I’ve been given,” that’s what my ego whispers to me when I’m alone in the darkest, coldest corners of my mind. And I so welcome the excuses that are offered to me..They provide me with a short-term way out of dealing with something that I know will be extremely difficult to face let alone actually overcome. I just don’t want to be in more pain, I’m trying to feel better not worse.. Feeling bad about myself and my life is what got me in this mess to begin with…
The Excuses Just Never Stop Comin’, do they?…
no matter what I let myself think or say or feel.. at the end, beginning and middle of each day I hear the same little voice of truth repeating the same thing over and over and over until I finally notice it and choose to really listen.. It says..
“the life you’re leading is not making you happier. You feel trapped because of your fear. I will help you find a way out of this if you will just trust me enough to let that fear go. Have faith. You are meant to do so much more in this world, you know that..You can feel your life’s purpose calling to you. It’s always been calling to you. Don’t back out now, when you’re finally so close to reaching it. Just have faith in yourself, and have faith in me. I will guide you and I will never leave you. You are safe with me always. I just need you to let go. It’s time to make a change. A significant change that will propel you into fulfilling your dreams and living out your true destiny for the rest of your lifetime. You are strong enough, you are able enough, you are brave enough and you are ready. Just let go.”
And then that’s when I think to myself..
“Good grief, I’m seriously such a miserable fucking nutcase.”
“I don’t know how to do this. But something inside me does.”
– Paul Williams