In this life I will one day be a Queen. I will have everything I am willing and courageous enough to inherit. I will have always at my side, my right hand along with my left. My right hand is the one my mind counts on the most, to call forth into being and understanding the many things I feel are important to fulfilling my personal destiny. My right hand will receive most of the honor and the recognition that I shall achieve in all of my future dreams and accomplishments. But I will know the real truth of the matter, and that real truth is that my left hand deserves far more credit, appreciation and praise than my right hand ever accepted, because although my right hand was following orders and giving noticeable evidence that lead to all my acknowledgements and recognitions, my left hand was the sole provider of those messages. While my right hand was faced downward towards my pen and paper, my left hand was always and forever facing its Palm upwards towards the heavens to receive the guidance and many blessings that have been bestowed upon me because I gave up my prideful desire to accept all of the credit as purely my own. It’s easy and comforting to believe and allow others to believe that we are better than they are and that’d we’ve been given more opportunities and fortunes in life because we are favored by our creator. But we know more than we would ever admit that that is most certainly not nor ever has been the case. We were given our gifts so that we can serve and support our falling brothers and our desperate sisters. The gift we have been given is for them, not for us. As their gifts were given to them likewise, to inspire and motivate our spiritual growth when needed. I am not right, and my left hand isn’t as well. I open my whole self up to God and I trust that he will give me everything that I currently need, and he does. Always, and forever. I am blessed with a left hand to listen and a right hand to talk. And now that I’ve finally accepted my personal truth as well as our collective truth as it is and always has been, I finally and fully respect that our Father God in heaven will never fail us nor let us fall. We are a net, constantly connected, yet sometimes stretched to our limits. It’s alright to be this way, we are what he created us to be. And as long as we continue to love him and to trust in him, he will never forsake us. His hand has never Left our hand, even when we stubbornly insist that we are the only Right ones. I love you. Amen.
Nothing like an old-fashioned ramble when your so frustrated you can’t even finish a single thought without mentally screaming, “SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY! Damn…” Yep, that’s me right now..
I am One hundred percent exhausted
with every single stupid shitty aspect of my life at this moment.
I need a break.
My biggest obstacle lately is my ego. I am a drug addict. I know this logically. I have known for awhile now, I have been off of pain pills and heroin and every other illegal drug for 2 and a half years now. I know that I am a drug addict. I don’t hide that fact from anyone. But I deny the fact that alcohol is a drug. About a year and a half ago, I started drinking a wine cooler or two to unwind before I went to bed at the end of the day. I was a new mom, and for some reason, I had the idea that it was normal for moms that “had it together” to drink a little to relax at the end of the day. I kept the habit up, telling myself alcohol was not going to be a big problem for me. It never was before. In hindsight I realize this is because I was on heroin and many other things daily and therefore didn’t need alcohol to relax. But now, a year and a half later from when I made the decision to begin this “nighttime routine” I am still drinking wine coolers, but now I am drinking at least two six-packs every single night. I normally drink alone, and the sad thing is that I actually prefer solitude when I’m drinking rather than socially like I used to. I am an alcoholic. I am a drug addict. I have always been an alcoholic. But now I am facing the consequences. I am so stuck. And I don’t know where to look for help because everyone thinks I’m doing well, and I like that they think that, it makes me feel like I’m actually worth something. Being sober makes me feel like I have an innate power. It gives me hope to keep going and to believe in myself. But now I’m being forced to face the music, and it’s terrifying. It scares me so badly I literally feel paralyzed when I’m thinking about it. I am afraid to leave my comfort zone again. I like to know that I have something to look forward to at the end of my long days alone in my house with only a 2-year old as a companion.. I seriously count down the hours and the minutes until I feel like it’s okay to start drinking without feeling guilty about it (never earlier than 5 o’clock, but occasionally I will drink one at 4 if it’s been a really hard day). Admitting to this truth sickens me. I feel so much shame. I can feel the wheels of my mind turning right at this moment, looking for excuses or logical reasonings that can work in my current favor, so I can feel a little bit better about the harsh reality of my truth. When my ego licks my wounds it’s so easy to throw in the towel and give up when things get difficult, my pride makes me feel like I have a right to destroy myself and my life.
.. “It’s not my fault I’ve been hurt so badly in my 24 years on this earth, I’m just doing the best that I can with what I’ve been given,” that’s what my ego whispers to me when I’m alone in the darkest, coldest corners of my mind. And I so welcome the excuses that are offered to me..They provide me with a short-term way out of dealing with something that I know will be extremely difficult to face let alone actually overcome. I just don’t want to be in more pain, I’m trying to feel better not worse.. Feeling bad about myself and my life is what got me in this mess to begin with…
The Excuses Just Never Stop Comin’, do they?…
no matter what I let myself think or say or feel.. at the end, beginning and middle of each day I hear the same little voice of truth repeating the same thing over and over and over until I finally notice it and choose to really listen.. It says..
“the life you’re leading is not making you happier. You feel trapped because of your fear. I will help you find a way out of this if you will just trust me enough to let that fear go. Have faith. You are meant to do so much more in this world, you know that..You can feel your life’s purpose calling to you. It’s always been calling to you. Don’t back out now, when you’re finally so close to reaching it. Just have faith in yourself, and have faith in me. I will guide you and I will never leave you. You are safe with me always. I just need you to let go. It’s time to make a change. A significant change that will propel you into fulfilling your dreams and living out your true destiny for the rest of your lifetime. You are strong enough, you are able enough, you are brave enough and you are ready. Just let go.”
And then that’s when I think to myself..
“Good grief, I’m seriously such a miserable fucking nutcase.”
“I don’t know how to do this. But something inside me does.”
– Paul Williams
I am not extremely fortunate in a lot of life’s aspects, but I definitely don’t meet the requirements to be labeled as unfortunate as well. I’ve got certain flaws very few other people share, but I am also blessed with some enviable qualities alongside them. I can’t change many of the things I feel insecure about. So upon realizing this ever-present fact I usually just shut down and give up. Because shame and vulnerability are not only uncomfortable, but they can be fucking painful when endured on a regular basis. So instead of finding my inner courage and strength to change so that I can fix solvable issues and begin to accept the permanent ones, I tap out. I surrender to my own self-destruction. And I soothe my wounds with pity and blame. I remain immobilized and in lack of any real desire to live. So I continue to substitute my life for my existence, just like so many of us do to resolve our own inner turmoil and temporarily calm our personal demons. We live like cowards, but treat ourselves like royalty. We use denial as a pacifier, and we pretend we have no control over the current state of our lives. And we remain stuck here in this limbo, indefinitely, until either we die or wake ourselves the fuck up. The lucky ones finally do find a way to wake up in the end, and they are deemed lucky ONLY after they take their lives into their own hands for once and make the decision to CHOOSE their pathways for themselves, instead of leaving all of that burden on “fate” that is “out of their control”. Once they accomplish this huge leap, and cross over that first big milestone, things start to turn around for them in their lives. They recognize their innate power, and they wholly accept the current truth of their reality. Then after all of that, it’s really just the process of putting one foot in front of the other and taking life day by day. Just like the wisest men of the world have always been saying. The simple truth lies in looking at our lives and ourselves SIMPLY.
And when/if you get overwhelmed with the simplicity of this solution…
Just Let go and Let GOD!